I think and feel Yesterday was one of the most beneficial sessions I have had with my therapist. I personally think she broke through finally. You see since my psychotic breakdown I been having trouble remembering things about my past life in general. All that I can remember is the bad things that happened and what caused the breakdown. This is changing everyday now as I’m remembering little by little..which is wild because there are days I find out things and be like wow i did that or that happened to me or I used to design websites, etc, etc.. This is what happened last night…
Before I got there I talked to my daughter on the phone and as usual no matter how much I love her I hung up upset with the decisions she was making in her life.. which is something I’m working on with my therapist in how to make our relationship better with no arguing, and how I respond to what she tells me. Well she helped me through that and it lead to the usual I feel guilty for leaving her at 13 to follow my own dreams and not doing for her anymore now like I used. This got the therapist to talking about my perception of how I’ve seen myself all my life and the lens I’ve been looking through while living my life.
Because of all the bad things that happened to me as young child,teenager and young adult (the sexual abuse from close family members as a child to the domestic abuse from my two ex husbands both physically and mentally) I went through a period of my life where I just didnt give a shit what people thought and lived my life how I wanted and pushed all the guilt and bad feelings and these things completely out of my mind. Just totally erased them. They did not happen as far as I was concerned, and I didn’t remember them anymore till a few days before my psychotic breakdown. Even though I was living my life the way I wanted deep down I felt shame and guilt because I wasn’t raised to live life this way and it was wrong by my parents standards.
See I’m looking at one set of lens saying its ok to live this way because I deserve it after all the shit I’ve endured, lets live it up and have a lot of fun screw the world you’ve put me through hell, I deserve it. But then during those times here I am pulling out another set of lens saying ohh no linda you should know better that will send you to hell and people will talk about you like crazy just like they did when you were a young teenager.
So here I have lived my life from my mid 20’s to my late 30’s feeling this way. I then met my husband now in 2000 and after 9 months of visiting each other and I up and moved with him to Europe, and I was looking through a different set on lens a more settled but lets have fun and see where this goes lens. I didn’t force my daughter to go with me because she stayed with her father a lot anyway during those last few years, which kept me in depression.
After a few years the guilt got the better part of me and I moved back, because it was put in my head you never leave your children for a man no matter what kind of hell you are living in. Here comes the guilty lens again.Then a bout 7 years later my son had a wreck which almost took him from me and put him in a coma for awhile which totally disrupted my whole life and outlook and today I’m still trying to get over it, because of the angry its causes me to feel where he will never be the same persona again because of his wreck.
So all at once here i am looking through this lens once again that says Linda this all happened because of how you have lived your life from your mid 20’s to last 30’s you should have known better this is your consequences for it, I call this my you’ve been bad lens so here’s the consequences.
It was going into about 3 and half months of sitting with my comatosed son almost everyday, on the brink of exhaustion and one day I had was so tired from no sleep that i went out and got some sun on a bench there at the hospital. I’ll never forget this memory as long as I live. There was one no one around so I lite a cigarette as I smoked in those days, and just inhaled the smoke and thought that feels and taste so good and the next thing I knew I was crying so hard cause my son may never get the chance to know what it’s like to taste a cigarette ever again.
It was then I found myself on my knees and I was praying like I had never prayed before to a man I didn’t even really knew existed, but I prayed to him as I was taught to do this. I know I had to have prayed at least 15 to 25 mints, when I saw people walking over toward me, probably to see if I was ok. I got up and went back to my sons room. He was then at that time all curled up in a fetal position and you couldn’t put him any other way no matter how you tried, his eyes were partially open and he had a tube in his neck which was disgusting to clean but i did it regularly. I looked at him lying there and I think I said another silent pray for god if your not going to give him back to me to just take him and not leave him this way any longer, my soul could no longer bare the pain.
Night rolled around after the usual cleaning all day of diapers and mucus and bathing. I was so tired. I really didn’t think I could do another day, but would have died before I would have left his side even if it was years and years before he took his last breath. He was my son, at one time in my life he was my Rock he held me together he kept me pushing to not give up on life after my terrible divorce with his sisters father……
HE MOVED…… he had never did that before.. I sat in the chair thinking did I really see that or is my eyes playing tricks on me cause im tired.. but then a few hrs later he mumbled and moaned. I flew to get the nurse who came back with me to examine him. She heard him mumble and moan as well. I cried and I really cried so hard because at that moment I witnessed my first miracle which has now put me with a better understanding with my christian faith. It was then that a whole new set of lens came about. You see while I was on the ground on my knees praying to god, I begged if he’d wake up my son. Id completely stop doing something I had been doing for over 10 years that I had hid from my family and friends because I was raised it was wrong and as a christian believer it was wrong in the eyes of god. And I did, I never did it again after that day my son a woke
I then had to prove to myself and the world that I was worthy despite my background and a good person a good citizen and make the world a better place because God had answered my prayers. And I did, I took everyone problems and made them my own especially my family. I wasn’t going to allow anything to happen again to cause hurt and pain to no one.
Last year after living this way for 9 years it became to much for me, because I was becoming a doormat to a lot of people. I was realizing this but couldn’t say no because of the guilt id feel if I did. Things were happening again to hurt me that didn’t make sense and the next thing you know it was like I was awakened inside a nightmare terrified of my surroundings and what was going on with me. I couldn’t remember shit other than my husband and what happened to put me there and a lot of the bad things I hadn’t ever processed, but instead buried and said that didn’t happen to me and it was forgotten. I totaly just couldnt remember, everything had been reversed, bad momeries remerbered and good momories forgotten..
I’m still in that in that nightmare and I dont think I’ll call it a nightmare anymore because I’m awake and thats ok with me because I’m more awake now than I’ve ever been in my life. Everything makes sense now.. everything that im remebering each day. I know there is a reason behind it. I’ve always been a good person and had a wondrful heart…….
I realize now for the first time that life isn’t all a bed of roses and that everyone of us who are pretending it is, we are only lying to ourselves. Hell we arent perfect and never will be. I also am learning thats its not about shame and abuse or guilt and if you feel it, then its ok to feel it. Life is about learning and the only way to do that is to get out there and learn. If it turns out to be a mistake you’ll know better next time.
My lens are different now, I see the world in a whole different light. I will never be the same again, never. I will never be controlled by anything or anyone again, never…I realize that it’s ok to be different than everyone else and not care what others think, to like the darkness and the light and its my perception of what it means that counts, not others..
I find my life very intriguing now and want to see where it goes. It’s scary and depressing a little because of the bipolar depression I feel, but gets easier each day, with the right medication,foods, and exercises. I’ve learned that it’s ok if can’t bring myself to be around my family and friends right now, and if they truly care they will work with me and understand that this illness isn’t my fault and brought on by a mixture of heredity and trauma throughout my life.
Its like I awoke at the age of 56 in a scary and weird but ok nightmare and said ok all my life I have been told this is wrong or that is wrong or you’ll be punished if you do that. Shame on you, bad girl ,, shame shame shame…..
Fuck Me……who says it’s wrong now for me to like certain things that aren’t illegal or hurting others. Maybe I’d liked it my whole life but wasnt allowed to show it because I was told its shameful and bad. Maybe it isn’t dark at all….Just Show me, prove to me, I need to know why it’s this way now if i’m going to follow those set of rules again. Show me a rule or law that says you can’t like dark shit and be a christian or help others…Maybe I became dark because of my past,, all that’s important is that I like who I am now…I’m not hurting anyone or myself, it’s merely me making my own perception of my life now…..my own set of rules and boundaries…I want answers now to everything in life and want settle for less……..This is the new me.. “I am awake now”…….my darkness has now become the light….