Fear

Well I survived my first night being alone..It was tough I tell you. I relized last night when I was laying in bed that this was actually the first time I have been alone period. I’ve alway had my kids around me .

I’t going to be along month, will after the 3rd of next month before I can move up there because that’s  when my husband gets his moving bonus. I really am not sure I can make it that long alone, but know I have no choice. The only thing that really bothered me about last night was I had to have the TV in the living room and the lights outside as well in the house. I even laid with my gun on hubby side of the bed so I could reach if someone broke in.

I never had this kind of fear before. I wasn’t afraid of anything hardly. It wouldn’t have bothered me this bad to be alone. But now since my break down I have fear that I never felt before. Why I is that I wonder? I haven’t had a chance to talk about this fear with my Therapist or Doctor Yet so don’t really understand why I feel this way, it’s very terrifying I tell you. Last night I felt so much fear I was so afraid of the dark , sounds scared me, if the dogs raised their head from sleep and looked toward the living room it would scare me thinking someone broke in. Good lord I have to live this way for a month with these feelings. I hope I can do it.. Please pray for me those of you who pray no matter who you pray to please pray for me.

I will spend this month reading from the book of psalms as I know there are many passages that will help me with my fear and being alone. I mean I know I’m not alone as a christian I know that god is with me always, but it doesn’t mean that by knowing this I can control my fear right now.

Well I’m going to do some packing and work on my cosmetic site, you have a wonderful day…hugs to you all I know that some of you to are fighting these terrible feelings in  some form of a  way.  My thoughts are with you today as I know it’s scary and not easy at times….

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Forgetting and How its Affecting Me

Im really having a bad day today and not doing so hot. Hubby leaves tomorrow for Missouri and this will be the longest I’ve ever been alone without him. I plan on keeping my mind as busy as possible.

Another thing bothering me is even though my past is being remembered little by little, I’m still having severe short term memory lose. I can’t remember what I did yesterday unless its documented. This is really bothersome to me and I found myself crying about it at 2 am last night as I had worked hard on some html and script coding but couldn’t remember where I saved it for the life of me.

I woke up around 1 am and thought well I’ll get up and work on some codes for implimenting products into the new cosmetic Web site I been working on for a few weeks now. I had already made the graphics for the site just needed to put the store together.

I couldn’t  find  the document coding I had been working for almost an hr and was in tears. After about an hour I thought I would go through my notes and  believe it or not I had noted that I had saved it in a whole different folder…why……..?…??..why did I do that it just didn’t make sense. What was going through my mind at the time for me to make that decision.

This morning I was awakened by a dream and it was the reason I had saved the document in a different place on computer. When I made the html coding for adding products I had used some of the coding for another site I have and had saved it in that site deleting the original. .

It doesn’t make sense I know..I do things that I just cant make heads or tails since the breakdown. It’s exhausting at times.

It’s really scary at times not being able to remember what I did yesterday let alone in my life. I told my husband today with tears in my eyes that I pray this is something that will get better over time and it’s because of my mental illness. I watched my grandmother’s an uncle die from all Alzheimer’s and im starting to  remember those painful days of my grandmother’s forgetting who I was or my favorite uncle who i couldn’t wait to go see not rembering me any more.

I never want to be that way. I pray that’s not how my life will end. I don’t want my family to experience it, and have to remember it for the rest of their lives.  Nooooo

Anyway not remembering is affecting me personally and it makes me sad. I just pray it get better with time. I read that the more you try to learn  the better it  gets at remembering.  I hope that’s correct.  Going to talk to my new Doctor about it when I get moved.

Speaking of moved I got to go clean out the bedroom the I call the junk room..uggg..it’s a mess.

Have a great weekend. …

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Billy Knight, a former , UCLA  basketball player has been found dead after posting YouTube video about mental illness

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Billy Knight, a former , UCLA  basketball player has been found dead after posting YouTube video that has left many of us wondering exactly what happened.

Special authorities  say former UCLA basketball player Billy Knight has died in Phoenix. One of Knight’s last acts appears to be posting a message to YouTube in which he said that he lived “a life of sin,” was hearing voices and that his time was up.

His body was found early sunday morning and there is no evidence in foul play at this time.

Here’s a link to a video he left as his last message… https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1LCZ0Luw0WM

The 39-year-old Knight was a guard/forward at UCLA from 1998-2002, averaging 14.1 points and 3.5 rebounds per game as a senior and now was a basketball operations assistant for the Northern Arizona Suns of the developmental G League in the 2016-17 season. The team is affiliated with the NBA’s Phoenix Suns.

Hope we find out what happened to him..his video is very disturbing.. it made me cry.

Our hearts are heavy after learning Billy Knight has passed away. We ask that the Bruin family keep Billy’s loved ones in their thoughts during this difficult time.

A new break through? or what?

I think and feel Yesterday was one of the most beneficial sessions I have had with my therapist. I personally think she broke through finally. You see since my psychotic breakdown I been having trouble remembering things about my past life in general. All that I can remember is the bad things that happened and what caused the breakdown. This is changing everyday now as I’m remembering little by little..which is wild because there are days I find out things and be like wow i did that or that happened to me or I used to design websites, etc, etc.. This is what happened last night…

Before I got there I talked to my daughter on the phone and as usual no matter how much I love her I hung up upset with the decisions she was making in her life.. which is something I’m working on with my therapist in how to make our relationship  better with no arguing, and how I respond to what she tells me. Well she helped me through that and it lead to the usual I feel guilty for leaving her at 13 to follow my own dreams and not doing for her anymore now like I used. This got the therapist to talking about my perception of how I’ve seen myself all my life and the lens I’ve been looking through while living my life.

Because of all the bad things that happened to me as  young child,teenager and young adult (the sexual abuse from close family members as a child to the domestic abuse from my two ex husbands both physically and mentally) I went through a period of my life where I just didnt give a shit what people thought and lived my life how I wanted and pushed all the guilt and bad feelings and these things completely out of my mind. Just totally erased them. They did not happen as far as I was concerned, and I didn’t remember them anymore till a few days before my psychotic breakdown. Even though I was living my life the way I wanted deep down I felt shame and guilt because I wasn’t raised to live life this way and it was wrong by my parents standards.

See I’m looking at one set of lens saying its ok to live this way because I deserve it after all the shit I’ve endured, lets live it up and have a lot of fun screw the world you’ve put me through hell, I deserve it. But then during  those times here I am pulling out another set of lens saying ohh no linda you should know better that will  send you to hell and people will talk about you like crazy just like they did when you were a young teenager.

So here I have lived my life from my mid 20’s to my late 30’s feeling this way. I then met my husband now in 2000 and after 9 months of visiting each other and I up and moved with him to Europe, and I was looking through a different set on lens a more settled but lets have fun and see where this goes lens. I didn’t force my daughter to go with me because she stayed with her father a lot anyway during those last few years, which kept me in depression.

After a few years the guilt got the better part of me and I moved back, because it was put in my head you never leave your children for a man no matter what kind of hell you are living in. Here comes the guilty lens again.Then a bout 7 years later my son had a wreck which almost took him from me and put him in a coma for awhile which totally disrupted my whole life and outlook and today I’m still trying to get over it, because of the angry its causes me to feel where he will never be the same persona again because of his wreck.

So all at once here i am looking through this lens once again that says Linda this all happened because of how you have lived your life from your mid 20’s to last 30’s you should have known better this is your consequences for it, I call this my you’ve been bad lens so here’s the consequences.

It was going into about 3 and half months of sitting with my comatosed son almost everyday, on the brink of exhaustion and one day I had was so tired from no sleep that i  went out and got some sun on a bench there at the hospital. I’ll never forget this memory as long as  I live.  There was one no one around so I lite a cigarette as I smoked in those days, and just inhaled the smoke and thought that feels and taste so good and the next thing I knew I was crying so hard cause my son may never get the chance to know what it’s like to taste a cigarette ever again.

It was then I found myself on my knees and I was praying like I had never prayed before to a man I didn’t even really knew existed, but I prayed to him as I  was taught to do this. I know I had to have prayed at least 15 to 25 mints, when I saw people walking over toward me, probably to see if I was ok. I got up and went back to my sons room. He was then at that time all curled up in a fetal position and you couldn’t put him any other way no matter how you tried, his eyes were partially open and he had a tube in his neck which was disgusting to clean but i did it regularly. I looked at him lying there and I think I said another silent pray for god if your not going to give him back to me to just take him and not leave him this way any longer, my soul could no longer bare the pain.

Night rolled around after the usual cleaning all day of diapers and mucus and bathing. I was so tired. I really didn’t think I could do another day, but would have died before I would have left his side even if it was years and years before he  took his last breath. He was my son, at one time in my life he was my Rock he held me together he kept me pushing to not give up on life after my terrible divorce with his sisters father……

HE MOVED…… he had never did that before.. I sat in the chair thinking did I really see that or is my eyes playing tricks on me cause im tired.. but then a few hrs later he mumbled and moaned. I flew to get the nurse who came back with me to examine him. She heard him mumble and moan as well.  I cried and I really cried so hard because at that moment I witnessed my first miracle which has now put me with a better understanding with my christian faith.  It was then that a whole new set of lens came about. You see while I  was on the ground on my knees praying to god, I begged if he’d wake up my son. Id completely stop doing something I had been doing for over 10 years that I had hid from my family and friends because I was raised it was wrong and as a christian believer it was wrong in the eyes of god. And I did, I never did it again after that day my son a woke

I then had to prove to myself and the world that I was worthy despite my background and a good person a good citizen and make the world a better place because God had answered my prayers. And I did, I took everyone problems and made them my own especially my family.  I wasn’t going to allow anything to happen again to cause hurt and pain to no one.

Last year after living this way for 9 years it became to much for me, because I was becoming a doormat to a lot of people. I was realizing this but couldn’t say no because of the guilt id feel if I did.  Things were happening again to hurt me that didn’t make sense and the next thing you know it was like I was awakened inside a nightmare terrified of my surroundings and what was going on with me. I couldn’t remember shit other than my husband and what happened to put me there and a lot of the bad things I hadn’t ever processed, but instead buried and said that didn’t happen to me and it was forgotten. I totaly just couldnt remember, everything had been reversed, bad momeries remerbered and good momories forgotten..

I’m still in that in that nightmare and I dont think I’ll call it a nightmare anymore because I’m awake  and thats ok with me because I’m more awake now than I’ve ever been in my life. Everything makes sense now.. everything that im remebering each day. I know there is a reason behind it. I’ve always been a good person and had a wondrful heart…….

I realize now for the first time that life isn’t all a bed of roses  and that everyone of us who are pretending it is, we are only lying to ourselves.  Hell we arent perfect and never will be. I  also am learning thats its not about shame and abuse or guilt and if you feel it, then  its ok to feel it. Life is about learning and the only way to do that is to get out there and learn. If it turns out to be a mistake you’ll know better next time.

My lens are different now, I see the world in a whole different light. I will never be the same again, never. I will never be controlled by anything or anyone again, never…I realize that it’s ok to be different than everyone else and not care what others think,  to like the darkness and the light and its my perception of what it means that counts, not others..

I find my life very intriguing now and want to  see where it goes. It’s scary and depressing a little because of the bipolar depression I feel, but gets easier each day, with the right medication,foods, and exercises. I’ve learned that it’s ok if can’t bring myself to be around my family and friends right now, and if they truly care they will work with me and understand that this illness isn’t my fault and brought on by a  mixture of heredity and trauma throughout my life.

Its like I awoke at the age of 56 in a scary and weird but ok nightmare and said ok all my life I have been told this is wrong or that is wrong or you’ll be punished if you do that. Shame on you, bad girl ,, shame shame shame…..

Fuck Me……who says it’s wrong now for me to like certain things that aren’t illegal or hurting others. Maybe I’d  liked it my whole life but wasnt allowed to show it because I was told its shameful and bad. Maybe it isn’t dark at all….Just Show me, prove to me, I need to know why it’s this way now if i’m going to follow those set of rules again. Show me a rule or law  that says you can’t like dark shit and be a christian or help others…Maybe I became dark because of my past,, all that’s important is that I like who I am now…I’m not hurting anyone or myself, it’s merely me making my own perception of my life now…..my own set of rules and boundaries…I want answers now to everything in life and want settle for less……..This is the new me.. “I am awake now”…….my darkness has now become the light….

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100 percent Official

Well it’s 100 percent official that we are moving to Clairfield Missouri . Hubby leaves this Sunday and he starts  on Monday. I’m trying to be happy about this but it’s  hard since I love Georgia so much. I to am nervous about being alone. I don’t do my best without his encouragement since I’ve been diagnosed. I really dread  being without him to. I could be by myself for up to a month and being as fearful as I  am of things these days I will be unpacking OLD KITT and putting him out to protect me. I will be busy  a lot.

I have a lot of packing yet to do, but have did some already. I really hate packing . We have moved so much with is job, that I’m not sure I  can even do another one. But this is a permanent job and that’s great. It’s the second one he’s had, his first one went under. I pray this company stays till he retires. I hate contrat jobs, but he loves them because he loves seeing different places. I’m more of a home girl now and don’t like moving around as much, plus I’m not getting younger.

I am giving my daughter a lot of my things that she can bring back to Kentucky. I’ve decided I don’t want much in the new place at all and it’s gonna be small. The smaller the better. I need my life as easy as possible these days.

I’m in the process of building a website that will be selling t shirts and other items and its alot of work doing my own designs especially since my computer is on the brink.. I’m also trying to add a store site to my main page  lovedmebacktolife.com.  Doing all this and taking wellness classes isnt easy but keeps my mind busy. I just hope it’s not going to be an overload later.

I’ve always had to be busy doing something, or else id go, nuts…..ohh wait I did didn’t I..(haha there’s that stereotyping term ) I really do hate it to be honest the word nuts makes you feel like your crazy and I’m not crazy, my mind functions good it just is sick, that’s all. LOL. Its ill.. And as for what I like being called, one of the pages  I follow, Jenny says we are all Mentally Unique .

 

well that’s it for me got to work on t-shirt site and take a shower for NAMI class tonight, have a great day people.. ohh what do you think of my new nails I had done sunday…those are my real nail btw

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Stephen Fry and Celebrities who are Bipolar or Cyclothymia

Being a little bored tonight and not able to sleep thought I’d look up a few celebrities who are bipolar and see if they had wrote any books I could order. I came across a britain named Stephen Fry-who is a British actor and comedian who has cyclothymia. I found a good book after reading  quite a few reviews and ordered it here.

Stephen Fry: The Secret Life of the Manic Depressive is a 2006 two-part television documentary directed by Ross Wilson and featuring British actor and comedian Stephen Fry. It explores the effects of living with bipolar disorder on other celebrities and members of the public.  It won an Emmy Award for Best Documentary at the 35th International Emmys in 2007. Stephen Fry came out with aA follow-up documentary, titled The Not So Secret Life of the Manic Depressive aired in February 2016.

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Here are few other other celebrities with bipolar disorder that I like or found Patty Duke and Mel Gibson is some of my favorite all time celebrities

 

Mariah CareyMariah Carey says she was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2001. She went public with her diagnosis in April 2018 in an interview with People magazine, saying that she now feels she is in a good place managing her mental health. “Until recently I lived in denial and isolation and in constant fear someone would expose me,” she said. “It was too heavy a burden to carry and I simply couldn’t do that anymore. I sought and received treatment, I put positive people around me and I got back to doing what I love — writing songs and making music.”

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Jean-Claude Van Damme: star of “Bloodsport” and “Timecop,” had four failed marriages, suffered from cocaine addiction, was arrested for drunk driving and was charged at one time with spousal abuse. He was eventually diagnosed with rapid-cycling bipolar disorder after hitting bottom. In hindsight, he says he coped with an undiagnosed manic-depressive disease by training. In 1999, Van Damme remarried his third wife and quit cocaine cold turkey.

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Catherine Zeta-JonesCatherine Zeta-Jones has bipolar II disorder, a form that has longer down periods, following a difficult time in her personal life. Zeta-Jones went through a period of mood swings following an intense period of stress when her husband, Michael Douglas, battled stage IV throat cancer. Adding to the stress was a fight with Douglas’ first wife over royalties from the actor’s movie, “Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.” Stress is often a trigger for the disorder. Zeta-Jones has been public about being bipolar and has been an advocate for de-stigmatizing mental illness, hoping she can inspire people to seek treatment.

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Linda HamiltonLinda Hamilton of “Terminator” fame says she struggled with depression most of her life and was a compulsive eater. She counts from the age of 20 to 40 as her lost years, until she was diagnosed as bipolar in the 1990s. She said she was the opposite of her “Terminator” character Sarah Connor and suffered horribly with severe mood swings.  After diagnosis and treatment she told AP radio, “My quality of life is more amazing than I ever could’ve imagined in those 20 years of struggling with illness.”

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I also found a book by Patty Duke who is as well bipolar called call me anna that the reviews were good on so ordered it here

Patty Duke:After a lifetime of mental health issues, Oscar-winning actress and 1960s pop culture icon Patty Duke was officially diagnosed with manic depression in 1982. She revealed the diagnosis in her autobiography, “Call me Anna,” in 1987. The book details her condition and treatment that subsequently stabilized her life. Duke also co-authored the book “A Brilliant Madness: Living with Manic Depression Illness” in 1992 about her life with bipolar disorder. Duke was one of the first celebrities to go public with bipolar disorder, as it is called today. She became a mental health activist, lobbying congress and working with the National Institute of Mental Health in addition to the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

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Kanye West: with a host of mental illnesses, it wasn’t until he released his eighth album, ye, on June 1, 2018, that he officially addressed a diagnosis. The album art features scrolling text that says, “I hate being Bipolar its awesome.” On the track “Yikes,” West also touches on other mental health tribulations, like suicidal thoughts, on the album’s first track, “I Thought About Killing You,” and he subtly mentions his hospitalization in 2016 on “Yikes,” saying, “Every time something happen, they want me sent to mental, We got an incident but I cover incidentals.”

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Mel Gibson: Famous for the movie “Braveheart was diagnosed with severe bipolar disorder at a time when he was engaged in a custody dispute with Oksana Grigorieva.  Gibson was recorded yelling, ranting, and making death threats to Grigorieva during that time.

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Well that’s it for me tonight I got two books ordered to read will let you know later how they are. Night world take care….

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Feeling lost today

Today was a bad day. I been up since 2:30 am had a terrible nightmare about someone I miss terrible.. Dont even feel like sharing about it.

I just hope tonight I sleep for church tomorrow..and tomorrows  a better day. I hate feeling depressed and feeling this pain of missing someone.. Its aweful ..

Good night world..hope your doing ok..

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Rumi

“Study me as much as you like, you will not know me, for I differ in a hundred ways from what you see me be. Put yourself behind my eyes and see me as I see myself, for I have chosen to dwell in a place you cannot see.” ~ Rumi 

I found this tonight doing some research and I feel in love with it. Its describes how I feel everyday of my life.

Here’s his story .. Its pretty good.

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Rumi known in Persia as Jalāl ad-Dīn Muhammad Balkhī and in the West simply as Rumi, was born on September 30, 1207 C. E. in Balkh Province, Afghanistan, then on the eastern edge of the Persian Empire. Rumi descended from a long line of Islamic jurists, theologians, and mystics, including his father, who was known by followers of Rumi as “Sultan of the Scholars.” When Rumi was still a young man, his father led their family more than 2,000 miles west to avoid the invasion of Genghis Khan’s armies. They settled in present-day Turkey, where Rumi lived and wrote most of his life.

As a teenager, Rumi was recognized as a great spirit by the poet and teacher Fariduddin Attar, who gave him a copy of his own Ilahinama (The Book of God). When his father died in 1231, Rumi became head of the madrasah, or spiritual learning community. The school reportedly had over ten thousand students, including masons, grocers, weavers, hatmakers, carpenters, tailors, and bookbinders.

Rumi’s oldest son, Sultan Velad, managed to save 147 of Rumi’s intimate letters, which provide insights about the poet and how he lived. Rumi often involved himself in the lives of his community members, solving disputes and facilitating loans between nobles and students. The letters are described as having lines of poetry scattered throughout.

In 1244, Rumi met Shams Tabriz, a dervish “God-man” who had taken a vow of poverty. Their meeting is considered a central event in Rumi’s life. Though accounts of their meeting differ, one story claims that Rumi was teaching by a fountain, and Shams walked up through the crowd of students and pushed Rumi’s books into the water, including his father’s spiritual diary. “You must now live what you have been reading about,” Shams told Rumi. Rumi believed both his real life and his real poetry began when he met Shams. “What I had thought of before as God,” Rumi said, “I met today in a human being.”

Shams and Rumi were close friends for about four years. Over the course of that time, Shams was repeatedly driven away by Rumi’s jealous disciples, including one of Rumi’s sons, Ala al-Din. In December of 1248, Shams again disappeared; it is believed that he was either driven away or killed. Rumi left the madrasah in search of his friend, travelling to Damascus and elsewhere. Eventually, Rumi made peace with his loss, returning to his home believing Shams to be a part of him: “His essence speaks through me.”

Rumi’s mourning for the loss of his friend led to the outpouring of more than 40,000 lyric verses, including odes, eulogies, quatrains, and other styles of Eastern-Islamic poetry. The resulting collection, Divan-e Shams-e Tabrizi or The Works of Shams Tabriz, is considered one of Rumi’s masterpieces and one of the greatest works of Persian literature.

In his introduction to his translation of Rumi’s The Shams, Coleman Barks has written: “Rumi is one of the great souls, and one of the great spiritual teachers. He shows us our glory. He wants us to be more alive, to wake up… He wants us to see our beauty, in the mirror and in each other.”

For the last twelve years of his life, beginning in 1262, Rumi dictated a single, six-volume poem to his scribe, Husam Chelebi. The resulting masterwork, the Masnavi-ye Ma’navi (Spiritual Verses), consists of sixty-four thousand lines, and is considered Rumi’s most personal work of spiritual teaching. Rumi described the Masnavi as “the roots of the roots of the roots of the (Islamic) Religion,” and the text has come to be regarded by some Sufis as the Persian-language Koran.

In his introduction to an English edition of Spiritual Verses, translator Alan Williams wrote: “Rumi is both a poet and a mystic, but he is a teacher first, trying to communicate what he knows to his audience. Like all good teachers, he trusts that ultimately, when the means to go any further fail him and his voice falls silent, his students will have learnt to understand on their own.”

Rumi fell ill and died on December 17, 1273 C. E., in Konya, Turkey. His remains were interred adjacent to his father’s, and the Yeşil Türbe (Green Tomb) was erected above their final resting place. Now the Mevlâna museum, the site includes a mosque, dance hall, and dervish living quarters. Thousands of visitors, of all faiths, visit his tomb each month, honoring the poet of legendary spiritual understanding.

 

 

Just this side of heaven

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….

Author unknown…

 

i miss you so bad Michelle it’s been a month and a few days since you left , but seems like it happened yesterday..

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His Prisoner

She  laid there breathing what she thought was her last breath waiting for the darkness to rise and fill her soul. He watches her though and everytime she closes her eyes he roars a loud whisper ‘IT’S NOT YOUR TIME’ that only she can hear. The sound is  louder than that of silence. She can’t do this any longer. His whispers are like a cutting knife slicing her throat and she begged for him to let her go.

He does not release her though and she is his prisoner for longer now. She knows this means long days of darkness like she has never experienced before. She knows that she will be alone most of her life because no one understands her. She says to herself “maybe I will try again another day”…..by linda janssen

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