I’ve had to completely change everything I’ve done over the last 6 years. Including shutting down memories. Today I was listening to a playlist I hadn’t heard in awhile and the tears just came so hard. The song was a 1000 years.. I just lost it. I couldn’t help but remember Alexis and how much she loved this song and how many times she played it in my car or on my computer and I started missing her and her family so bad. I just don’t understand what happened and why it had to happen. I loved that family so much.
I think of them often and pray that they will always be OK. Maybe in a different life time we will meet again….
Hey everyone sorry I haven’t been posting and taking the time to read your posts but I have been so busy it’s not funny. In fact so busy I feel like hypo-mania has come back. I’m totally stressed with all the work I’ve put on myself, in fear that if I don’t stay busy I’ll get real depressed again and have a psychotic breakdown.
In fact over the past 3 weeks I have did two web sites for other people to make money and started 2 more blogs of my own to make money as well as updating my ones I already had everyday. Things were going pretty good at till these past few weeks.
I feel like I can’t breath and I’m having trouble focusing on even getting one post out each day. It takes me at least 3 hours to make a post that normally would take 30 minutes because I get so distracted by thinking of everything I need to do that day. I find when I’m thinking of those things trying to do them all it doesn’t work, and before you know it I’ve got 10 things started at one time and having a melt down. I want to scream when my computer freezes up or I have computer work to do as well as house work and just don’t know where to start.
I’ve also been worrying a lot these past few weeks feeling like something terrible is going to happen. There is nothing worse than feeling fear all the time that something is going to happen bad. I feel like things have been going to good because in the past every time good happens for awhile, bad follows right after. I hate this feeling. In fact next week I start back in therapy which is gonna throw a loop in my other plans for starting back in wellness again. Maybe I’ll figure a way to juggle it all. If not will start it back again in the spring of the year.
I want to go to either the picture above or one of these places in this video below and just stay for eternity and never think or worry about anything anymore. Bring all my family, friends and my fur-babies.
Starting tomorrow I am also going to go back to a schedule. I did really well on this when I lived In Georgia, but didn’t start it back up when I got here ques cause I was so busy for a few weeks getting it together here Missouri. I really like schedules and when I make mine I allow myself so much time for each thing I need to do and then move on to the next. It just seems so easy if I have in from of me a bullet journal with a list of things I need to get down.
I check them off when I’m finished and if I don’t get it done I move on to the next one on the list and if I finish that one early I go back to what I was doing, and this worked most of the time. However though in the past I was able to complete everything in the time I allowed myself for that task. With me being a jumbled mess not sure if it will work when I start back in the morning, but will see.
I feel like I need a vacation since I’m feeling this way as I haven’t had one in forever and been looking at some photos on pexels.com. I love this site and get most all my photos I use to work with from there as it’s free to use in commercial sites. Here are some pictures I use for my Quotes I make each day.
This reminds me of a waterfall that my husband and I would visit when we lived in Oregon. So beautiful and peaceful as could be. The walks there good memories we made.
If I could go here I’d stay forever. Ohh yes this place would be like a place to live in serenity and just forget the world. Sit out on the porch and work all day on my computer with a cold margarita.
Well its’ my bedtime as I’m tired. I cooked a wonderful dinner tonight and I’m still full from eating it. That’s something else I’m starting Tomorrow as well, eating less, back to small portions. Have a good night you all.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ―
OK I’m trying to get my breathing good again as I’m in a total panic right. Let me tell you why.
Today I woke later than normal. First odd sign things are not right. Later in the afternoon I decided to check the mail and when I went to unlock the front door it was unlocked. Flipped me out as I thought my husband had gone out last night and forgot to lock it back which would have been odd as we use the back door as it comes in from the garage and never use front door.
Now hubby is home and cooking dinner so I went to the basement to get potatoes and the light was on. Another odd thing no one was in basement for light to have to be used. When I told hubby about this he went down and turned off light. When he came back up I told him how strange today had been and asked him if he left the front door unlocked yesterday evening when he went out to check mail and he stated he had gone out back door. He then proceeded to tell me the security alarm was off when he got up this morning to let the dogs out. I remember arming it last night as I always do. This is like my fear so I know I arm it every night. Hell every person just about in this town has a security system because of the things that go down here where the minority is 73 percent blacks. I’m not prejudice I promise, but I’m not stupid either. Look what happened in Ferguson just a few minutes away from my town in Spanish Lake. My friend sonny he’s black and even he tells me to watch my back and what neighbor hoods to stay out of, and not go out at night alone.
OK I’m freaked now and trying to figure out what happened last night after we fell asleep. I started a new medication last night and now I’m afraid to take it for fear that I got up sleep walking and went outside which is something I would never do at night in our neighbor hood. If I did I must of disarmed the security system before going outside. I really don’t know what to do. I’m going to run a online camera tonight as we sleep to see if it happens again till we figure this shit out. Any ideals on what I can do?, other than stop taking medication. I want to give it a week at least to see if its going to help me. Of course if this happens again I will most definitely stop taking it. But man I’m totally freaked out right now as anything could have happened last night. What if my husband sleep walked? Ohh gosh I’m scared now..
Hi everyone it’s been awhile since I’ve updated. I been really busy working a some ads and a website for a dentist here in Missouri. He started a non-profit organization that has to do with social building between communities. It been a fun experience so far.
I launch my cosmetic site today, and doing my first giveaway. I’m really excited about that. I hope this site will take off one day and generate some money. I know it will be slow as I did something similar many years ago but after about 4 months money came rolling in. Not a lot but some, and I was happy. I just want to feel like I’m doing something again these days with my life. I have sat around for the last 10 years and did nothing but feel sorry for myself because of things that have happened even though they were out of my control. Those day are over! I know my days are numbered and I intend to live them as happy as I can.
I still have a lot of depression and hypo-mania but work really hard to not let it consume me again. I wish I could stay in hypo-mania all the time as I have tons of energy and that I like. It’s not easy and there are days I have to just give in to the depression and have my down day. I’m glad they are not as bad this year as last year. This time last year I was starting to have some major depression. Seasonal depression has always been bad for me and I’m gonna do everything in my power to not let it hit me this year as bad as it normally does.
It’s really pretty today here in Missouri, I would love to go out and work on the patio at my lawn table but can’t because, my laptop screwed up yesterday. It’s new so I let it do a windows update and it I don’t know what happened but they key board just wouldn’t work after that. I was on the phone with tech support most of the afternoon trying to fix it but couldn’t so now I have to send it in, which I’m going to do tomorrow.
I’m starting to adapt to things here and it’s getting easier each day. At first I wasn’t for sure I could do this, but now I know I can. I had a lot of fear because of the area we were in, but now I see it just like any other place we’ve moved to. The people here are starting to feel friendlier since my thinking is not so negative of them. Sometimes we go into things with the wrong attitude and that makes the situation worse for yourself.
Well the tile guys are here to work on the tile in the bathroom so I’m going to pop off and go make me some toast.. Have a great day everyone…
Really had a rough night last night. Hosted a movie night on Facebook and fell asleep during the movie. I woke up around 1:30 an went to bed. Started having a panic attack and couldn’t sleep as hubby was snoring something awful so got back up to sleep in recliner. His snoring can drive me mad at times, and last night I was on the brink of going mad. Finally I dozed back off.
4 or 5 loud pops woke me up. I was like wtf..that was gun shots. I had to take something for my panic attack so I could go back to sleep and it was hard now this. This had made my 2nd panic attack I have had today, and now I was feeling a 3rd one coming on. Not had them in a while. My first one just came on out of the blue around 3 pm while I was doing some work on the computer.
I jumped up trying to place what direction it had come from and was sure it had come from the back yard. I grabbed my gun woke up hubby and we went to look but found nothing. I know I heard it, it was real. I hadn’t been dreaming or anything, so know that the poops I heard were gun shots. They startled me out of my sleep as I hadn’t gone into a deep sleep yet. Anyways since we moved here in this house every little sound wakes me. Mama my dog gets up through out the night and I can hear her nails click on the hardwood floors and this will wake me.
Hubby finally went back to bed after he tried to couch me to come to bed with him, but I could not. I laid back down in my recliner with my gun next me and tried to calm myself as by then I was in full panic mode again. I didn’t want to take another pill so sat and did some breathing exercises and before long I must have drifted off to sleep.
I swear this fear is the most scariest thing in your life to ever have. I never felt this kind of fear before in my life. Before if I had to describe it before my diagnosis of bipolar it was like a scared feeling of I don’t want to do that. Now it is full-blown fear I feel and trust me there is a difference between the two. I think the hallucinations I had when I had the psychotic breakdown is what brought on this kind of fear I feel on to me. There is nothing more scarier than seeing shadows go by you or hearing sounds that came from nowhere or feeling like bugs are crawling all over your skin and out of your ears. Please lord never let me go back to that place again.
Well hubbie and I are getting ready to go pick up my phone. Tomorrow we are going down town to St. Louis to a Greek festival. Until next time take care of your mental health you all…
It has been so hot the last few days. We were under a heat index till Wednesday here in Missouri. Yesterday it rained all day and today it cloudy and feels like a fall day.
I can’t believe how fast this summer has gone by. I really and truly didn’t do anything this summer but once and that was going on a friends boat for dinner. Other than that I spent the whole summer in the house.
I’m cooking breakfast for my friend Sonnie. He’s an older black man who lives up in St. Louis but comes here to this neighborhood to mow grass as this is where he was raised. Our landlord let’s him store his mowing equipment in our garage. He has his on little section that still leaves us plenty of room to park 2 cars if we want. I feel in love with him immediately because I think he senses how out-of-place I felt at first. He’s been so nice and brings my neighbors over to meet me so I feel safe and not out of place. He tells me where not to go that isn’t safe and where to go that is safe. I really like that about him. He’s a good God-fearing man, but likes to drink him a good cold bear after cutting grass. He reminds me of an uncle as he is always in long sleeve shirts and overalls.
Each day is getting easier and I don’t feel so out-of-place like I did. I still miss Georgia though and always will. I miss the girls spending time with me as that was the high light of my life. It really hurts to think of the past but I don’t allow my self as I can’t go back there again and allow myself another break down. It seems like it was a dream I quess of a great time where I had children in my life again.
Georgia has seemed the closest place to home I have ever felt since I left Kentucky many years ago when I married my husband. I miss Kentucky at times but it’s never really seemed like home to me. I always felt I didn’t belong there and now when I visit it’s like a horrible dream of who all is dead and gone. I don’t know very many people there even anymore.
When I left there I just sorta never looked back….
Well breakfast is finished and Sonnie is finished mowing up the street and out front . Gonna go sit outside with him and have breakfast.. love hearing him tell stories about the ghetto when he was growing up..till next time.. take care…
Things are coming together little by little now, and my fear is starting to leave me a lot. Fear is not fun at all. I hate being afraid of things I normally was’t afraid of before. I don’t want to spend my life all locked up in my house afraid to do anything. I have to live, in fact I must. It’s just someday’s are right down hard to do it. But I’m allowing myself to have a few down fearful days but not many, like I’m told.
Our furniture is finally here all of it as of today. Yesterday we hung some pictures on the wall in the living room. We still need to buy bedroom lamps for our night stands, a living room rug, and a few flower assortments to set on coffee table and dining room table and then we should be good. I’m in no hurry for any of this I’m happy things are the way they are now. One of the cool things about our furniture is our night stand have USB ports and so does the living room furniture. They electric recline so they are already powered plugged. All you need to do is have a cord and plug it straight into your furniture, I love it.
I just want to settle in here as best we can and start making friends. I’ve decided that I want ever let anyone get close to me again as it hurts to bad to feel screwed over. I will have friends don’t get me wrong just not friends that I give my heart to 100 %.
I went to church Sunday, and people are definitely not as friendly as they are down south. I guess that is one of the things that I love about the southern people so much is they are so friendly there. Everyone speaks to everyone it seems, whether they know you or not. One of the oddest things about the church I’d ever seen was they had policemen there to guard against anyone trying to hurt the church. Never seen that before, not sure that’s a good thing or bad thing.
My neighbors are nice, when we moved in a few of them came and helped us, sorta blew me away at first never had that happen and felt somewhat strange about it until, the guy who stores his mowing equipment in our garage told us that this neighborhood was nice and people look out for each other here. That’s a big relief for me as I worry everywhere we move to what the neighborhood is like.
One of the biggest things I find hitting me again is worrying about things that are out of my control. I also am having severe nightmare again. Last night I dreamed I murdered someone (who I don’t know) and left evidence behind that linked to me. I was so afraid of going to jail. I awoke very disturbed as it seemed so real. I would never hurt a soul, why I’d dream such a dream is crazy. I have had a few dreams like this before. In fact when I’m depressed I dream some very crazy dreams. Some are so vivid and seem so real. Some I wish I could remember all the details as I could write a good book off them. Some are like a movie by Steven King and some are so wild and unbelievable that it unreal.
Here are a few pictures of our new house and furniture. Think I will make me some lunch. Have a great day everyone, see you soon….
It’s a small place but so cozy and easy to clean which I love. I can see staying here for a while as long as things continue to go the way they are.